ROCK LOBSTER!!!

(Sorry, I just got a new MP3 and I’m experiencing the joys of portable
music for the first time in like a year since I gave my MiniDisc MSZ707
(a find peice of equipment) to my sister as a present).

Rock lobstre reminds me of my girlfriend and the funny way she dances.

Thoughts.  Not really directed, but related and honest.

11:06am, I’m in my biomedical ethcis class.

This class is somewhat related to my profession.  Not that
i’m  a med student, but, as i’ve already mentioned, i work in a
hospital.

We’re watching a video aptly entitled “let my daughter die”.  Guess what it’s about.

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Years ago, I convinced myself I was not afraid of dying.  And I convinced myself that I beleived that.

But the fact is, I am afraid of dying.  It’s one thing to say “I’m
happy and I can leave without regrets” but my brain tells me that me
dying is going to let a lot of people down.

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(No I don’t have a chronic disease, rest easy)

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I think I am afraid of dying if only because I won’t be able to look at
the people who are by my bedside.  I see people in that
situation– and people at the bedside often tell you how helpless they
feel.  WTF!  How helpless you feel?  What about the guy in the bed??

The problem with dying isn’t dying itself, not the whole winking out–
it’s the whole process of it.  The grieving. The confusion. 
The alienation.  The whole “now it’s too late”.

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The odd thing is that i fear death because it’s something i’ve told
myself that I should do… ironically, I wanted to work in a hospital
because i wanted to learn about things like this, and now that I do,
well… when God wants to have a good laugh, he grants peoples’ wishes.

People have to make tough descisions sometimes.  Nothing strips
away the superficialities of society like being given choices like pull
the plug or not on someone you love.  Doctors say “take your time”
but I don’t think they need to, and I think the doctors know that
too.  “take your time” is just such an absurd thing to say. 
Wasted time, after all, is why there is so much grief, isn’t it?

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 Keep moving. 
Mortality is a travelling companion.  Everyone’s got their
bullet– it just takes a while for it to find us.  Sometimes,
someone will hang on to the bullet for you, hold it back– for that,
love those people.  Respect–

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Rememberance Day is coming up in Canada on November 11th.  I’m a
spoiled kid who never had to pick up a gun.  I didn’t earn my
freedom.

I’m also a hipocrite who says he doesn’t beleive in the need for war.  It’s my one, unreasonable sin.

A soldier dies like any other human being– the only difference is that
while so many people die without having a purpose, soldiers give
themselves up to an ideal– the ideal that someone’s gotta do it. 
And they can’t always even have the liberty of thinking “is this a good
war, a just war”– they just have to understand that people are in
trouble, and something has to be done–

I don’t know if it’s healthy to make heroes out of soldiers. 
Isn’t a soldier a killer?  Isn’t death and suffering the problem?

But if only because
i am spoiled by freedom that I did not earn

I think i can afford some respect.  I think I do owe it.