And then there was One

by Jinryu

I’m down to one last chance to get a second round interview.

The whole process has been really humbling.  It’s difficult, really, to accept that I’ve been passed over so many times after working so hard for these things.  Since last year, I’ve taken time off of school to work on applications, I’ve fixed up my suit wardrobe, I’ve practiced interviews, I’ve done craploads of research for all the jobs.  I’ve even gotten into shape and gone to a doctor to get skin products to clear up my skin problems.  I’ve done my homework– but in the end, I’m down to one last chance at a second round interview.

I don’t have the highest of hopes for that one either– the interview was supposed to be conducted by a partner and an HR person, but instead, my game plan go thrown off because the partner was called into a last minute meeting.  Instead, I got stuck with two HR people who asked me HR (rather than law) related questions.  Which I guess isn’t a bad thing– but these aren’t the kinds of people who I can really work to impress, and it’s hard to connect to them because they don’t actually do any legal work– nor have they studied law.

Anyways, if I do make it through, that’d be great.  But for the most part, when I got the most recent rejection, that was the big blow.  My morale was totally shot after that one.

WHen you look at the numbers, I did pretty well– out of about 650 written applications, I was one out of a bit less than 100 to make it to the first round interview.    But still–  anything short of getting the actual job is probably irrelevant.

I think that the sensation of it all is a bit strange, because I’m used to situations where I can see what I’m fighting.

I was feeling pretty down about the situation, but [CM], despite facing her own challenges in med school, has been very supportive of me. I also called home this morning and spoke to my parents.

In analysing exactly why I felt so bad, it came down to one main thing: money.  I have borrowed over $100k from my parents to do law school.  I feel guilty because I spent money I don’t have when my parents ought to probably be considering retiring and enjoying the rest of their lives doing nothing but relaxing.  I feel guilty because if I don’t get a job, how will I pay down that loan?

 

Narrowing it down, and taking a step out of myself, I’m coming to understand that it’s simply that it’s been a long time since I’ve experienced dissapointment.  That’s largely because of the fact that most of the things that I want in life are works in progress.  As in, there is no end to them, and there is usually more than one way to do it.

 

It just so happened that clerkships are a unique-ish situation, because there’s usualy no substitute for it.  So this sensation of coming up to a solid roadblock, having this roadblock occur in a tunnel where there’s no other alternative lanes and backing up is a long and difficult process, well, I guess it’s normal to be a bit dissapointed.

 

But after about a day of intense self-loathing, going through all the stages of grief, and  panic induced job-searching, I’ve calmed down, and I’ve started constructing the game plan for the next year or so.

The plan is pretty good. Well, as good as it can be.  Finish school, hopefully with honours, and then apply for graduate positions directly.  And after graduation? If I don’t have a grad job in law, work odd jobs until I get one.  Salaries in Australia for odd jobs aren’t terrible, so it would allow me to pay down the loans back home gradually.

 

Well anyway, that’s the plan so far.

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