Need

by Jinryu

The last few weeks have been extremely stressful.  I started off with over 10 applications to firms for clerkships.  One by one, rejection notices came back– but in the end, I managed to secure four first round interviews.  I’ve already received a rejection for a second round interview for the first firm, I have completed first round interviews for two others, and I have one more first round interview tomorrow.

 

I’m down to three chances.  And even when one of these chances eventuates, that takes me to the second round– where there will be another cull.

 

I don’t sleep properly at night anymore.  Insomnia has got me– it’s too quiet at night.  I sleep better when the sun is up and the world is moving, maybe because there’s something comforting about all the background noise as it occupies my attention, instead of allowing my subconscious to keep wandering back to clerkships, clerkships, clerkships.

 

I had a good time yesterday– [CM] and I joined a wine tour with my university’s Law Society.  Basically, you take a bus around an area of Australia that is world famous for it’s vineyards and wineries, and get to sample various wines all day.  It was good to get away from the city and just … decompress a bit.  The air there was so clean.

 

… I am so tired though.  Physically, I think I’m getting enough rest and food, but mentally, I’m just so tired.

 

This reminds me of the feeling I used to get before a kickboxing tournament. I’d always feel extremely nervous.  More so than I ever would in badminton.  What if when I hit him, he doesn’t feel it?  What if I get hurt?  What if I can’t reach him? What if…?  There are consequences, and they are very real, and they can hurt me.

But even those situations don’t compare to this.  The truth is, in all those sorts of competitions, I’ve always fought to win– but deep down, I didn’t really need it.  Perhaps that’s why I never came in first.  It was always enough for me to do better than last time, and to give it my all.

 

This situation is a bit different. I want to win.  I need this.

I have decided not to go to judo for the past week or so– my subconscious, and my fighting spirit, which does most of the work while I’m at the dojo, is just… disturbed.  Training in that state would be a bit risky, because I might hurt myself or hurt others.

This situation with the clerkships is very difficult for me, because I’m a simple man who doesn’t have very many needs in life.  But I’m afraid that here is something that I need, which I have no idea of knowing if I will get.  In fact, I have very little control over the process– I am basically putting myself in front of these people to be judged, and they will decide based on what they want.  Simply, that may or may not be me.

 

It doesn’t matter how well I do in the interviews, unlike a fight– in a fight, there is always something to be said of the things you did manage to accomplish, and the things that you endured.  Winning isn’t everything. 

Here– it’s all or nothing.  Only the final result matters.  There either is a job, or there isn’t.

I need this, and that is why I feel so out of control– because I don’t get to decide whether or not I get it. I’m doing everything I can– everything else is “luck.”

I would make a terrible Buddhist.

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