Time Machine

by Jinryu

When I really think about it, I am in a time machine. It doesn’t go backwards very well, but it is a machine in that the clockwork is just always going.

Is that what being an adult is all about?

Some things are timless, in that, well, sometimes you read a xanga feed for example and you see how someone sounds so much like how they sounded when you first started reading them years ago. Sometimes you see how no matter how much they’ve changed, the more they’ve stayed the same.

On the other hand, sometimes you have no clue what’s going on because time is taking you for a ride!

I think that when time does that, that’s when it’s most fun.

Adult educators have long come to understand that what’s different about adult life and student life mostly has to do with the range of the experiences. What happens when you’re in school is that, although there is the mundanity of going to classes, you’re learning about different and new things all the time. As adults, life is more about getting more money than it is about trying new things– but that’s ironic, because it’s only when we’re adults that we have the power to do the things that we couldn’t when we were kids!

That being said… I think I’m getting back in balance.

The big thing that screwed up my balance was meeting [CM] to be honest. It’s the love. Love throws everything out of whack, it really does. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you care in ways you didn’t know, it makes you hurt in ways you didn’t know– both turned inwards and outwards.

But now that I’m getting used to it (and I thought I was used to it before, I was wrong! and even in saying it now, I’ll probably say it again in the future– you never really get used to love) I feel like things are a bit more managable, and that the ride that time is taking me for is going in a way that makes more sense, and feels better. It just feels better.

I’ve got a full plate on my hands, but it’s been a long time since I felt so focused.

A few days ago, I began applications to law schools. I haven’t fired any off completed yet, but I’ve got most of the forms, and am just getting all my ducks in a row. A few minutes ago I finished writing a reference letter that [Chere] is going to sign on my behalf. Later, I have to finish my personal statement. On monday, I have to go to ConU and have some transcripts sent off to AustraLearn (the agency handling most of my applications).

I’m basically doing a lot of “work” in pursuit of my goals. And… it’s different from working for work. When you’re working for yourself, it feels different. It feels kind of nice– in a strange way, one can feel that they do work for work and that work never cares. But if someone works, for you, doesn’t it feel nice that someone believes that you’re taking this company in the right direction?

Recently, [Zanshin] came back into town for the holidays. That’s no small trip– in from SK. I only got to spend a short time with him, but as he mentioned of his experience– it’s so different to suddenly feel that you are different, that in looking at yourself, you’re more of a man than you used to be.

Doesn’t it feel nice when you realize suddenly, that you’re believing in yourself, that you’re going for bigger and better things?

I don’t know what law school applications will result in. But if anything, the whole “if you give a mouse a cookie” scenario, which all began with me wanting to be with CM in australia, has taught me a lot about life.

The other week, my professor returned grades on my second assignment, and final paper for my first Masters course. My final grade in that class will be a B+ or an A-.

Many of you readers are still in school, so you probably don’t care– but for me, it’s a huge acheivement. I’m someone who did so poorly in college that I was put on academic probation– that means, push that average a little lower and they’ll boot you out. In University? I had such bad relations with some of my teachers that I was twice (wrongly accused) of plagarism, I suspect, just to give me a hard time.

So a B+ or an A- after years, about 4 in fact, of being away from school? Of starting a Masters and then finding… “Oh shit, I just read those 10 pages and didn’t retain anything but the title!”

Yeah, it makes me feel pretty good. And I’m glad that I gave myself a chance. I didn’t think I’d ever care about my grades before, but something about me over the years has changed. Somewhere, including the madness that is life with CM, she’s helped me respark a hope that is no small thing in face of the cynicism and bitchery that I’m known for.

There’s still a lot of stuff to be done… small things though are like Xbox acheivements. They make you feel like you’re making permanent additions to your gamerscore. Things mailing my professor at Athabasca some empty envelopes, which he will put reference letters in and seal… they’re small things. Buying stamps and making a pre-paid envelope feels like such a small thing. But it represents a lot more to me.

It’s the changing of the times.

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