I’ve been wondering lately about my skillsets as a person. It’s been a while since I really applied myself to learning something new. Granted, I did start working in a completely new department just a few months ago, and I do have yet to really master all of that craft. I do enjoy work. But this is incidental– it isn’t what I necessarily want to do with my free time.
So what, really, do I want to do with my time?
Again, I’m not saying that I’m dissapointed with my job, nor do I make light of the amount of work that it took me to get where I am– but I wonder if there’s more out there for me. I recently started watching the show Chuck. I think that there’s an eggocentric in all of us, but then again, what do I know about you? All I know is that I tend to view the world around me in relation to myself because there is nobody I’ve known longer. For those of you who watch Chuck, it’s a series about an everyday joe who works at a fictional electronics store called the Buy More (think Circuit City, Future Shop, or Best Buy). Thing is, he’s meant for greatness in some sense. As a scholarship student at Stanford University, he gets kicked out on accusations of cheating. Turns out, he didn’t actually cheat– he was framed by his roomate, who is actually a CIA operative, in order to protect him. Through some dumb luck, he is subsequently plunged into the world of spies. And through it all, he meets Sarah, a CIA handler assigned to protect him.
The reason why I mention Chuck is because sometimes I feel like him. He’s the same age as me. He plays videogames, he understands a bit of Klingon, he’s tech savy and he’s got this way about him that makes him awkward around company at times in some ways. To a certain degree, he enjoys his job at the Buy More; despite that his friends/coworkers are a bunch of sociopathic neanderthals, he has a sort of home in those ways and he knows the laws of the land. He believes in helping people with what he’s good at, and as a result, he is their king– when everyone there is asked who the real leader is, everyone points to him because somehow, his helping nature. It is the kind of place where he can make a difference– but, frankly, it is not the kind of place that necessarily uses all his potential for difference, nor is it the kind of place where he’s surrounded by people of like-minded goals.
And that’s the way I feel.
When [Supergirl] first told me months ago that she was planning to be out of Montreal by the middle of 2010, I remember how I felt. Sort of, anyway. Initially, it made me really depressed, because even then I knew that she was someone special above all the other women that I’d ever met. The first day after she told me, I went out with [SiB] and got drunk. It wasn’t pretty. Frustration and helplessness set in– I wondered if somehow, despite my great luck in finding her, this ironic misfortune was just some cruel joke. I started wishing, selfishly, that she wouldn’t be accepted into those med schools so that she could stay here. Not for long mind you– but that is a selfishness I will admit, and I am not proud of it.
Overtime, as I came to know her even more, the idea of med school changed in my head though, at least as far as we were concenred. Initially, I saw it just as an obstacle to our relationship. But then, was it really? What’s to say that she couldn’t go to med school and still be together? And so I changed my mind about it– and considered in my head what it would be like to move with her. It was still early in the relationship, so it was hard for me to really make such a huge choice or to figure out the particulars, but the idea of moving took away the stigma of med school.
And then med school starting representing something else, that was perhaps a huge epiphany for me. It represent, to Supergirl, a dream. Something big that she’d always wanted to do. And for that, over the course of our relationship from when we first met until today, as my love for her grew so too did my respect for her dream. To the point where I could no longer fathom her not going after it, nevermind wish that she would fail at it just so she’d stay in Montreal.
It was, unfortunately, unrealistic of me to think that I could leave Montreal to follow her to Ireland or Australia immediately. However, this is hardly to say that it’s not going to happen. There are a number of question marks up in the air, but the basic synopsis is this: I have decided that I’m going to change things here in Montreal so that eventually, I’ll leave.
I’ve always been a man of baggage. Some people call that filial piety, and respect this part of me higly, but a lot of people see it as a box that I can’t seem to get out of. I believe that people can change– they just have to want to. Up until now, I’ve never had a reason to change, and I’ve borne my responsibilities with a fair amount of pride and high-nosedness.
But this is different– because up until now, it’s been enough to agree to disagree. The difference is that I want to be with Supergirl. And to do that, I’m working on changing the mechanics of my priorities.
This has implications in the relationship aspect of my life, but that’s not the reason why I mention this. The subject of this post has to do with my future– where I see myself in five years, and all that kind of thinking.
And I don’t see myself working at this desk (blogging when I should be entering post-operative reports).
For the longest time, while I was in univeristy, I trucked along because I started a program and just wanted to finish it. I didn’t care what I finished. I spent so much time dicking around in college that it was the principle of follow through that was important at this point. I spent so much time working (almost fulltime work, with fulltime studies) in university that I never looked back and didn’t really wonder if that was the right program for me, or what jobs it would land me.
Now? Now my life is in order. My life, frankly, is freaking awesome. As I’ve said: I have a stable job, a great girlfriend, things are going well on the family and friend front and people are in good health. What more can I ask for?
What’s in store for the rest of this year though?
Supergirl leaves in July, and my contract with the OR expires in October. Those are some pretty big changes that suggest to me that, as awesome as things are right now, this is only temporary.
So it’s time to start thinking about where I want to go next.
As I said, I got accepted for my Masters. That’ll be my next focus– and I think that perhaps, this will be the gateway for me to bring everything together, to where it will finally settle. It’ll help me get the skillsets that I’m looking for to do what I want (whatever that might be) and somewhere through the course of that, I’ll figure out how to meet up with Supergirl.
I’m really excited about starting my masters… which is something I didn’t expect.