Creaseless Pillows

by Jinryu

It’s been 23 days since  [Supergirl] left for Asia, and I’m still not able to sleep properly without her.  I keep reaching out in the dark, grabbing a pillow, and trying to pretend it’s her, only to find that it’s not, and when I wake up in the morning the pillow next to my face is still empty. She’s only coming back on February 28th, so I’m barely over the 50% hump so far.

I was supposed to wake up at about 1:30PM today because I had an eye exam downtown at about 1:50PM.  I’m pretty sure I heard the notification but it didn’t drag me out far enough to stay awake.  I woke up at about 4PM instead. Missed the exam. Grrr. 

In some ways I feel like the month without her has been pretty productive: I’ve started getting back in shape; I started reconnected with some people who I hadn’t seen in a while; I got a new (hopefully better job); I finished my university application once and for all; I finally schedule an eye exam (though I missed it); I scheduled a dentist apointment (which is later today, which I have yet to miss).  That’s really not bad considering it’s been just a bit over 3 weeks.

But on the other hand?  I don’t want to do anything aside from go to work and go to sleep.  Mind you– I don’t really want to go to work either.  I’m getting into that bad habit– not dealing with feelings by scheduling myself to do more and more work.

I guess it’s been a long time since I said this, but I guess I’m depressed.  Not in a really really bad way, but just… I know the signs.  We diagnose them all the time at work.  And as much as I’d like to say that I’m not depressed right now, I think I am, in that subtle way.  Does it change anything to have that label or not? Not really.

Despite hanging out one on one with a friend here and there, the effort it takes to call someone up and just do something with them is becoming more and more difficult.  When nobody calls me out of the blue, it’s becoming less and less noticeable. I haven’t organized anything with the gang in a while– I just feel too lazy.  I just want to lie down and wake up, hoping that another month has passed, and that it’s not just a creaseless pillow next to me.

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