Do it yourself

by Jinryu

Time: 2:07AM
Location: @work
Batteries: 85%
Morale: πŸ™‚

Finally had the chance to finish that John Cusack movie with [Supergirl] tonight.  We caught dinner at Hurley’s before heading back to her place for some quiet time.

At some point, as we lay on her couch just chatting, she started to hesitate about something.

“I’ve never been in a long term relationship before,” she said nervously.

Time: 4:17AM
Location: @work
Batteries: 65% (My sleep break is coming up, so I’m not to worried)
Morale: :/ (Wait times are long in the ER today, and parents are pissing me off)

To continue with what I was writing earlier,

I guess I can imagine why she’d think that this would be a problem.  I think I said it before that when it comes to women at this point, I’m looking for someone who has all their shit together.  I’ve realized that part of what made my last few relationships fall apart came down to two things: first was that I felt I needed to ‘fix’ their lives, and second that their lives needed fixing.  

The first part is my problem.  I think for the longest time I’ve had this “Knight in Shining Armor” syndrome where I probably ended up getting close to girls in the first place because I could ‘solve’ some of their problems.

It kinda ties into the second part though, which is that if there was any fixing to be done, the kind of fixing I’m takling about is the kind of stuff that was impossible for me to change.  It’s the kind of thing that they’d have to fix for themselves.  I’m not talking about tutoring someone for calculus– I’m talking about trying to get someone to stop excessive drinking, or to look for a job, or to just have confidence.  You can do what you can for these kinds of ‘real life problems’ but in the end, only the person will only change if they decide they want to.  Anything on your part is a suggestion and support at best, wasted breath at worst.

So what I guess I want nowadays is a girl who knows what needs to be done, and has enough moxy to do it.

It’s not black and white though.  When I say that the woman I am to be in a long term relationship needs to get their shit together, it doesn’t mean they need to be perfect.  But there’s a limit to how much ‘interference’ or how much ‘intervention’ I should be doing in someone’s life.

Leo Tolstoy said something along the lines of “many dream of changing the world, but few dream of changing themselves.”  Which is not only true, but it is also a problem.

I think that ideally for two people to work well together, they need to have their shit together.  Sure, there’s a certain romance to having your boyfriend/girlfriend being the one who solves all your problems– but then, is it really that person uniquely who can solve those problems? Is love a matter of convenience of problem solving? Do you care about that person because of who they are, or what they can do for you?

And while yes, you can argue that happiness or emotional fulfillment is something that someone does for you, I remind you that I’m speaking within reasonable limits.  I just happen to think that the best way to make yourself capable of loving someone else is to love yourself first– that means, that to best be able to care for others means to care for yourself first.

This usually comes down to a spectrum ranging from left to right.  On one side, you have a personality that is overbearing, clingy and dependant.  On the other side you have someone who is indifferent, detached and independant.

There needs to be a bit of a balance– enough independance that you don’t constantly burden your partner with all  your unsolvable problems, yet, just enough dependance that you actually need to be in a relationship.  Because if, at the end of the day, you don’t feel you /need/ that person for any obscur, back of your head feeling, then what’s the point?

Anyway, I’m digressing.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The bottom line is, I told her that that didn’t bother me. I mean, I mostly suspected it from the begining anyhow, so it didn’t come as a total surprise– and in spite of that, there was nothing different about anything.

I suppose it might’ve been a concern if she was the kind of person who I didn’t trust to handle her own problems, or who I thought I had to fix for some reason.  Maybe all her time spent living abroad in country after country has given her that edge over most people her age. 

Regardless, whatever goes on, we’re going to learn it together.

The fact that she’s never been in a long term relationship probably works well for us– it’s not as if I’ve never made a long term relationship work before.  It’s like I’m getting a second (or third, or forth, depending on how you want to count it) chance at getting things right, about how to treat a woman right. This time around, I think I have a great partner for the job.

“Well, I don’t know how you want to count it,” I said. “But the fact that I haven’t made any of my relationships work in the past doesn’t necessarily put me that much ahead of the game than you.”

I mean, who’s keeping score, right?

What matters is that as we just stare at eachother in the dark, everything that I need to feel right is in front of me.

-=-=-=-=-
Time: 10:15AM
Location: @home

I just got home from work, had a shower, and a bit of breakfast.  I stayed for a bit of overtime to attend a business meeting at work.  It’s not something that happens often, which is why I attended.  That they were willing to pay me for the overtime helped too.

This morning, I was awarded a permanent position in the ER.  It’s a bit step up for me from the temporary part time position I had.  It’s still for the nights, which isn’t ideal, but at least I’ve got solid ground under me now.  I’m pretty pleased at myself for having ousted something like 25 other applicants for the position too πŸ˜›

It occured to me that I should probably do a thanksgiving post, because I never really got around to one.  Well, here are some of the things that I’m thankful for right now.

  • [Supergirl]. Enough said.  I changed my cellphone plan for her and, yes, I changed my relationship status of Facebook because although I wouldn’t normally want to do that kinda peurile shit, the fact of the matter is that I’m really damn happy I met her so to hell with looking cool– if it makes me seem like a giddy little schoolgirl, I don’t care, you should know that [Supergirl] and I are in a relationship and that I’m honored.
  • My good health.  I think I’m in great shape lately– not as strong as I can possibly be, but my system is clean, and I’m a lean 157 pounds (which is basically 7 pounds lighter than my fat 164 self, which was just 3 weeks ago!) thanks to the jogging and revised calisthetics program.
  • My job.  That goes with the promotion I just got.
  • My bike, and stuff. The winter bike is coming together finally, and it’s just awaiting that repaired wheel from the shop.
  • My great roomies.  [Terminator] and [SoCool] have been great to me since I got here, and we’re really getting along just famously. They’re supportive of me during the down times, and they never cease to try and drag me out when I’m not feeling up to the world.
  • Tokebis.  To shoot the shit with the likes of  [TheGrendel], [NitroNilla], [Paladin] and [SiB], there are no better venues.
  • My family, who is finally starting to feel like a family.
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