Batteries: 30% (Redline!)
It’s raining like mad outside tonight. I just happened to upgrade my splashguards from a compact Louis Garneau Tail Streamer to a more serious looking MTB set (it looks kinda strange on my road bike, but well). But a set of splashguards really only works when you’re going through puddles—not when the sky is trying to murder you by dropping a tidal wave on you.
I was away from Canada for more than a year so, but I don’t remember the weather in Montreal being quite like this. By ‘this’ I mean slingshotting within the span of a single day from unbelievably sunny to pouring rain, and then doing so for like 3 months straight.
Meanwhile, Texas is undergoing an extreme drought, so much so that police are patrolling the suburbs and fining anyone caught watering their lawn.
Yeah sure, global warming is a myth.
Truth is, I normally actually love riding home at night in pouring rain. I find it therapeutic, like some sorta spiritual cleansing. The distance between my workplace and my apartment is ideal, at about 15 minutes during daylight conditions, and between 20-25 mintues at night in suboptimal ones.
I’m not sure what I like about it. It’s really sort of bittersweet because right now, I guess I’m not in all that great a mood. It’s the sleep deprivation. I went into this work marathon in probably a B- sleep condition, and now I’m really hugging the D- grade right now. I’m going to be working essentially 10 shifts in the span of 8 days. You may wonder if it’s illegally dangerous, or dangerously illegal. I dunno. All I know is that I wish I was paid overtime for that, but I’m not.
Last night I worked from 23:15 until 7:15, then I came back to start at 16:00. I’m going to be here until 00:00. I’ll be back here in the morning at 8:00 again.
I’m basically functioning as if my workday cycle had 20 hours and then I’m squeezing in an extra workday somewhere.
I’m eating like crazy nowadays and I’ve put on some weight despite the constant cycling. I think it’s muscle mass, but a lot of it is pure carb weight too.
I suppose cycling explains part of it, but I think it’s also the bad sleep.
The thing about sleep deprivation is that in the first few days, it’s kinda fun. I don’t stay up due to stress nowadays—I mostly stay up because I feel like I don’t have enough hours to do everything that I want to do in a single night. At first, in that sense, it’s a good thing to squeeze an hour or two extra in before going to bed because it feels like you really got a lot out of that hour, while the benefits of sleep are often a lot more subtle.
But then it quickly (and inevitably) gets out of hand. I always tell myself that I’ll have more discipline when the work days pile up, but what actually happens is the opposite—on workdays, because I have less time to do what I want, I end up taking out more and more of my sleep bank, and it exacerbates the whole situation.
I guess bottom line is that right now, I’ve got 40 more minutes of this shift and then I have to bike home in the pouring rain. Normally that’d be cool but at the moment, frankly, I’m tired. I just want to sleep.
I feel like I’m getting cranky. [Kingston] told me to have dinner with her tonight after she finished her shift—I happened to be at work and having my half hour break remaining at the same time—so we ran out to the Maison Bulgogi for a quick bite on her treat before she went home and I had the rest of my shift to do. I just wasn’t very sociable. I don’t know exactly why. It’s one of those situations where I have no explanation except that I’m tired—which, perhaps, is all the explanation.
The whole world is different when you’re tired—you’re never yourself, or perhaps you’re too much yourself. At least, I am.
I’ve been thinking about this whole thing with [Kingston] and it reveals something about me—maybe I’m desparate. I’m reading into ‘intentions’ of hers that really aren’t there, I’m just seeing things in this light. I am the Ted Mosby who screws things up by getting too deep too fast.
How long was it since the last person I had a crush on? It’s been just over a month.
[Kingston] has only been around for two weeks, and I’ve been blazing through all this even though this is really, really doomed. I guess that, as much as I really like her, I know it’s not going to work and I’m just seeing this through. I don’t even intend to tell her—because what would that accomplish? It’d make things awkward, it’d highlight that maybe she’s been spending more time with me than her boyfriend would like… who knows. This is all supposition.
But what does this say about me?
Doesn’t this make me insincere?
How many crushes have I had since January? How many times have I spoken of them as if each of them was the end of the world for me?
But it can’t be true, can it: because the world didn’t end with one, or the next. And I hate that it feels like I cheapen each one like that. I don’t meant to because every one of them is special—but what does it take? What does it take to really make anything work?
If there is a girl out there who turns out to be ‘the one,’ is it a good enough for me to be myself and risk it all, all over again? Or will she want something original, something specifically for her that makes her different from all the others?
Well, they’re all different. The girls I have crushes on, I mean. I don’t mean to seem insincere, but sometimes, I just feel that if things were different, if the timing was different, maybe…
I guess tonight, I hate that I need somebody to love. I hate it. I’m tired.
I’m not perfect. I just wish I were sometimes so that I would never feel bad.