dal niente

We are very often prisoners of our own expectations.


I take a carrot, put it on a string, put that on a stick, and tie that to my tail so that it dangles in front of my own face.

This process is called “going through it all for the sake of principles”.

But this may not be a good thing.

In some ways it is.

In some ways it isn’t.


The reason why I put that carrot there is because idleness is the one
thing that I can’t stand to schedule into life.  I’m going to die
some day, and most likely, it’s going to be sooner than I want it to be.

Who is happier– the person who is content with what they have, or the
person who never feels they’ll get bored and has to keep looking
further?

I’m a poor man when you think about it, because I crave that which I don’t have.

We can talk about drive, we can talk about ambition– but the man who has it all does turn out to be the man who needs less.


The carrot on the stick is sometimes your maturity telling you to
follow through with what you originally rationalized to be a good
idea.  When i was still doing martial arts, I used to train all
the time, intensively.  Sometimes as a few hours for six days a
week, at school, at the Senshido gym (which we used to pay for a
membership just so that we could use their boxing ring) and at the H2O
gym.  It was tiresome.

But every now and then i’d get discouraged for some reason or other–
I’d look at my peers, I’d look at myself.  (Will I ever be that
good?)  I’d do rounds with them (What am I doing wrong?  Why
aren’t I improoving?) and sometimes the weight of a thousand tons was
futility.  I would sometimes feel useless.  I’d sometimes
feel incapable, and without potential next to some people who could
just acheive things apparently naturally.

But then I’d dangle that carrot in front of my face.  Tell myself
to just shut the fuck up and keep training.  And even if i
convinced myself it was futile, in the end when my morale came back up,
i appreciated what I did do.  I appreciated that i had the
tenacity to plow through the times of indescision and finish what I
started.  So when I was back in the game, I wouldn’t, for one
thing, be two or three weeks out of practice, and I could pick up on my
journey exactly where i left off.

The carrot dangling is at once the frustration and the goal.  It
is what brings you through dark times– and it is what causes dark
times.


Midterms are killing me.  I’m always tired, I’m always hungry, I’m
starting to develop headaches at random times.  I’ve also noted
that I’ve developed what may be like narcilepsy or something… I’ll be
in class, looking and listening to the teacher, close my eyes, and
then, suddenly, he’s a few feet away or on the other side of the
room.  I just lost a few seconds, right there, and i didn’t even
notice– I just blinked out then blinked back in.  It scares me.

But midterms are almost over.  Deliverance is near.

I am plowing.  I have set my carrot on a stick.  And though
the goal is proverbial, and unatainable in some sense, I must go in
that direction no matter what.  I mustn’t stop moving.


I played badminton today.  It was fun.  It’s the first time i
play in about a week and a half.  It did wonders for me.

My mind, body and soul function as a unit.  I cannot have any one
peice sorta lacking, otherwise it causes a disbalance.  When
something is out of balance, the other two parts sorta pull together
and help the lagger to pull through.  If not, then all three of
them share the burden.

I am not stressed at midterms.  I am physically tired, I am
intellectually drained.  I am bored at the redundancy.  But I
am not stressed… I just have to keep plowing through it, driving,
until i get through.

Advertisements

Whenever crises hit, you see all sorts of things going on– you see the
best in people and you see the worst in people.  A lot of the very
basic things we rely on, like rules, really come under the spotlight
when it seems that they’re not working for people.  Check Azriha’s latest, i thought that this was freaking hilarious and freaking sad at the same time.

So the problem with people is that okay, yes, they’ll sometimes follow
rules.  But like the problem with fundies, people are reacting to
the rules as holy writ rather than guidelines.  People are
basically looking for a mechanism to dictate EXACTLY how they should
act, and that may be good in situations that were taken into account
when the rules were made, but rules, being humanly made often don’t
take into account everything (because humans like me and you are not
all knowing, obviously).

Sigh.